#anyway. rant over for real now
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wifegideonnav · 2 years ago
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homestuck is getting SAD and i don’t WANT THIS i want to read about shitty children lovingly bullying each other i don’t want to watch them sobbing over each other’s corpses :/
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biblically-accurate-dca · 7 months ago
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moon n ballora
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thedrotter · 8 months ago
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not-yet-dead-person
silly comic of a conversation in-game i thought was too funny not to make something proper for instead of a doodle ww
(timelapse + wip images (thus silly process commentary in read more if you like artist commentary :3)
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i think the sketch looks silly and goofy and funny so i find it important to share with you the mere presence of the faces i drew on it. i drew it on top of the boxes without staying inside its borders because i find my proportions can get wonky if i draw them cropped in a restricted space. and I feel trapped otherwise and i will draw BAD!!! give me spaceeeee to go wild!!!!
the head circles are there for emotional support
very low res speedpaint because truth is the canvas was much bigger than the space where my comic was placed. i didnt account when exporting my timelapse in 720px that that tiny space would look so pixelated ... but it's able to be percieved, so its okay.
(i will now comment on my process and it is not brief sorry)
usually i would try to clean up my sketches and figure out what goes on top before jumping into linework, but since there are multiple panels and drawings i chose to jump into inking right away for the sake of brevity. i just went in with a brush that uses pen pressure and drew what was needed. i added extra line thickness and contrast in areas around the face because it helps direct your eyes there more easily that way.
according to her equipment rei has a chain belt but i only remembered it existed once I was going to color, and i did not like that discovery... I chose to ignore it to maintain my peace. i already have the color palettes for these characters figured out, and i didnt really want to think about a new element at the moment www I tend to overthink those things a lot so i skipped it
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the rest is rather straightforward! not that anything else wasn't, but in here i could turn my brain off and sing. linework and sketching require mumbling so i cannot turn my brain off. just block in the characters with a solid color so i can have a mask (something along those lines,) where the color can stay inside. then just color in !!!
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Base colors just had slight cell shading on the skin, and for the hair i airbrush a bit of the skincolor in low opacity near the forehead... I'm not sure what it means, but i can look at the faces easier with it somehow. i like the gentle subtlety it adds even if you cant really tell. it makes things look nice.
background was just me blocking in the color of the wall and floor, shade the wall a bit, then slap a noise and free use wood texture on top. work smarter not harder ! yet it took a bit to make it look stylistically fitting with the characters, and even now i think bottom middle panel looks odd. whatever!!!
for the middle panel i thought itd be funny if the background was a solid silly and colorful one to contrast the next panel's sketchy black one. a contrast to how the word widow is seen. on that note my handwritting is not pointy. i gaslighted my hand into thinking that it was indeed pointy in that moment so i could write "not-yet dead person" in letters that didn't seem cute. my hand did not fall for it but it complied anyway
that's basically it! I'm not sure what else i could say that doesn't feel barebones because it really is that straightforward. if you're curious I used clip studio paint for this. only special brush used was for linework (a brush named Lemon Brush), the rest used were just the default. my computer gets the least credit. it was trying to convince me a 20mb file was going to nuke it all the time and hardly let me save multiple times so i do not appreciate it
#re:kinder#fanart#sayaka re:kinder#rei re:kinder#OH I ALREADY RAMBLED IN MY POST WHATEVER SHOULD I TALK ABOUT NOW IN MY TAGS UEEEEEEE😭😭😭#oh yeah do you want to know a fun fact about this drawing#i started it yesterday. i wasnt meant to I DID NOT HAVE PERMISSION...FROM MYSELF... i was meant to be on break#i self imposed a one week break from doing any rekinder related project after the transcript to avoid accidental burn out#NOT THAT I GOT TIRED OF IT AFTER THAT TRANSCRIPT NOT AT ALL#but jumping straight into more hours of creativr work after over 30 hours of it is asking for disaster. it is asking for burn out#yesterday was the last day . 12 hours were left but i was going to die if i didnt draw anything it would have been OVER#(aka my period started recently so i got very gloomy and depressed so i needed to run to my favorite stress relief...drawing rekinder☺️)#(on that note seriously what the fuck please explain the evolutionary advantage to getting horribly depressed every month)#(like hello?!?! rant real quick— i get enough flashbacks everyday i DONT need them to last longer and have me more msierable ?!?!?)#(periods are so dangerous to my mental health for no reason can i get a restriction order on them or some shit what the fuck)#(anyway thats enough of that break of character DONEEEE :3333)#SO YEAH I DIDNT EVEN LAST 7 WHOLE DAYS i even played a new game in between those 6 days youd think itd het my mind of rekinder. WRONNNNGGG#not even another devastating rpg horror gamr could divert my attention for long i hsd to draw rekinder😊#using the newfound power of mt transcript i was decided on drawing rei because i dont draw her enough for how high she is on my fvaorites#i was initially doodling random lines but then i stumbled upon this interactkon and it doesnt really fit into my usual expression sheets#so i thought hey lets do it asife#i thumbnailrd it and from there i was like hey lets do it in comic format isntead of separated messy doodles in tint canvas#and the rest is hisotry .... aka i spent the last two days doing this instead of doing MY HOMEWORK!!!!!#on my defense when i wasnt drawing i was horribly depressed i had no other choice#(seriously fuck off periods WHAT what do you mean i need to be distracted 24/7 to not be struck by crippling meltdowns LEAVE ME ALONE?!?!?)#(they should be banned we as a society should find like a . cure to them it dont do me good to have a whole week where i cant function)#these tags have been more of a weird rant im sorry IVE BEEN FEELING PEEEVEDDD LATELY SO YOU GET. STRANGE DROTTER LORE ????
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ao3screenshotss · 2 years ago
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sometimes i worry about my internet footprint and the fact that it might stop me from getting a job in the future or something (i literally run a blog posting screenshots from fanfics i read) but then i think ‘well damn, if they can find all this information about me then i don’t deserve the job cause i know i wouldn’t put in that much effort to find information on someone’ and i feel better
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batfossil-fr · 9 months ago
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I’ve been really thinking of reopening my art shop soon… I’ve been taking some practice doodles (hence all the posting lately) while I shake off my rust and I’m finding things I enjoy working on again. I miss trying my hand at more dragons/OCs and colors. my shop’s so broken rn lmao but that’s a problem for a later date it’s just nice getting back into art
#my mental health is starting to improve a bit#took a couple years but I found some meds that finally work better for me#ofc things aren’t 100% but I was really in a pit for a while#like ‘did not leave my house in months and slept 14 hours a day’ kind of pit#so. any improvement is better lol. but nah I’ve been making real improvement and im doing better. a lil shaky sometimes but that’s expected#diagnosed with chronic fatigue too. which is unfortunate but not unexpected. i am indeed god’s sleepiest soldier#i feel like a raisin slowly rehydrating but considering i was in a desert before any hydration is welcome#just learning how to enjoy things again overall#one thing I just couldn’t get myself to do (and enjoy) was art. doodles here and there but nothing to post#and it’s kind of funny because I feel like that downtime actually gave me a chance to think about what I wanted to work on#even when I wasn’t actively practicing#just paying attention to things I guess. enjoying art styles#i genuinely think my experimenting with stained is helping me learn colors#i spend hours in the scryshop im glad it’s paying off lmao#i want to tackle bigger things but i just gotta ease myself into the hang of things again#for now im having fun and that’s coooool. thank you all for your nice comments#i read all tags while kicking my feet and giggling. thank u all#that’s the update on Me tho. more to come hopefully#starting next month/julyish I will have a significant amount of time to dedicate to drawing which i intend on doing#so who knooowwwsss#rambles#funny enough coloring has become my favorite part of the process now. it used to be lineart. now lineart annoys me LOL#i also feel like i kinda lost my ability to write which has been frustrating but im focusing on art first#anyways that’s a whole different tangent rant over
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throwawayasoiafaccount · 9 months ago
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god tywin lannister deserved worse
just remembering elias death and i wanna puke and the way tywin talks about elia and what happened is so damn gross
but rip tommen and myrcella we all know what’s about to happen in the next book :/
the cycle of violence just keeps spinning and damn you tywin for beginning it
(i got a bit crazy in the tags 💀)
#rest in peace elia and rhaenys#i’m one of those crazy ppl who thinks jaqen h’ghar is aegon 💀#literally lost the teeny tiny amount of credibility i had#anyways i think doran’s in on it and i think rhaegar switched out asharas child for aegon paralleling the baby swap jon does#the pact made in braavos about viserys and dany marriages is a half truth half lie#and arianne being sent to faegon is simply doran testing his heir. if she messes up then whoever’s spying for doran will correct her#gerold dayne knows too much that’s why doran thinks he’s too dangerous#but this would make the dornish plot sooooo much more interesting and would show that no doran hasn’t been doing nothing#it would also automatically make the daynes more important#jaqen (aegon) was in kings landing to kill robert but got caught by varys. syrio was sent to find him. ned cleared out the black cells tho#saving aegon in the process. fun how we’re actually introduced to this character through lyanna starks mini me arya#aegon was able to kill robert with a boar tho so mission accomplished.#now he’s in old town trying to hatch his dragon egg. the stone beast taking flight in danys vision is aegon being symbolically depicted…#..as a spinx#i’m crazy delusional. but ppl who think faegon is actually aegon are even more delusional than me#plus the real aegon being alive fulfills the suns son part of quaithes warnings#i like this theory bc it makes the dorne plot more interesting and it explains whatever is going on with jaqen h’ghar cause he is sus#yes yes i know i’m delusional 💀 i just think it’d be a very interesting twist#kinda hoping no one sees this post at this point bc i know no one will take this theory well lol#i do think this theory can be supported by the text tho#and cerseis throw away line about ned stealing asharas baby would suddenly become peak foreshadowing#barristan comparign dany to ashara would also be peak foreshadowing bc ashara would take the place of gilly in this parallel and she was dis#dishonored by someone at harrenhall. likely aerys and then she turned to a stark probably brandon for comfort#tbh i think it was ashara who lied to brandon about what happened to lyanna. perhaps she was trying to mess with brandon’s wedding and#was trying to get back at rhaegar for humiliating elia at the tourney. i highly doubt it was baelish who lied to brandon cause brandon#has little reason to believe him and no reason to trust him. ashara tho? arthur daynes sister and elias lady in waiting? also his lover?#anyways varys the spider potentially stealing aegon away (if he did take a child it was the false aegon) is there to parallel the others#who ride ice spiders taking crasters sons. tbh i think it was aegon who decided he wanted to train as a faceless man so he could get revenge#on his own terms. and the sea lord of braavos at the time was in on it and helped aegon with his plans#the unveiling coming up is going to be a lot more important than arya just reclaiming her identity. yes im delusional lmao. rant over
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purpletrashcans · 1 year ago
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This is a rant, an oddly specific, very unnecessary Radio Silence rant
Okay so we all remember that one tumblr post in Radio Silence in which a user talked about how privileged and rude Aled was for criticizing the education system and not wanting to go to university
This post - and I know it's not real, I know the person who wrote it doesn't exist - makes me so mad every. Single. Time.
Like have you ever thought about the fact that some people are simply not made for university, some people are just fucking miserable when they're - yk - stuck in university, i mean having the privilege of being able to choose if you want to go to university also means having the privilege of being able to not go
Also just because you have the privilege of being able to go to university doesn't mean you can't criticize a system that is so obviously shit, like i'm sorry, but even as someone who actually kinda enjoys university i 100% think that we not only have the right, but also responsibility to criticize when we see deficiencies or problems in the education system
And what kind of weird whataboutism is this "You don’t want to go to university, because you know it would make you miserable and think that the education system is deeply flawed? Well what about people that can't go to university at all, you privileged prick? How dare you not want to be miserable for at least the next 3 years of your life!!!!" Like i'm sorry but that’s so idiotic i can't even
Just because you CAN go to university doesn't mean you have to, the privilege is that you have the choice, that it's your decision
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ratcandy · 1 year ago
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getting into actual angry arguments: awful. terrible. going to be thinking about it for the rest of the day. leaves me seething about what I could have said differently for the rest of my life.
getting into friendly debates: ohhhhhh enrichmennce.. :) mine brain is so full and thinking..........yippie yaaaaaay!!!!!!
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zymstarz · 8 months ago
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yeah sure that's how i'll [re]come out
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#zymart#zymtalk#rant in the tags ->#okay listen to me this is really important and also i have a witness. this was not intentionally supposed to be posted on june 1st#the stars just aligned for this to be at its funniest. which means its also easier for me to dismiss LOL#i drew this like a week ago after trying to draw a whole like. 5 page comic about it and then stopping it mid-board#bc it was horrifying imagining being perceived that much. so i needed to make it into a joke instead and this was the funniest route#and then i was like 'UGH. UGH!!!! i can not be 20 and deal with this like im 13. if i dont post it by the end of the week#then [the witness to all my rants on this topic. shoutout to twig bc they got the most of it] can joke abt it as if i did anyway'#and now its the end of the week and i looked at the date and went 'oh my god didnt may just start what happened'#'WAIT ITS JUNE FIRST. GOD. THATS TOO FUNNY TO NOT SAY SOMETHING' and who am i if i dont prioritize the bit honestly#in all honesty. kinda hate it! not bc of internalized homophobia but actually bc of internalized arophobia that has somehow been emphasized#after having my brain shift from '1000% aromantic without a doubt no exceptions' to 'just arospec ig lol??'#but tragically as it turns out. you can not just try and self analyze yourself into speedrunning closure.#horrible news for the oscar zymstarz community frankly#SO i needed a way 2 justify shoving this off my plate and into the trash as fast as possible.#im impatient and cant acknowledge my own emotions. its a flaw im working on it#oh and for all the ppl who know the running gag abt 'my allegations' [i do not have any real allegations for anyone not in jems server]:#that was in fact just a running gag for like well over a year and a half. like that was just a long running bit COMPLETELY unrelated to thi#i only started having this weird sexuality shift or whatever not too long ago lol. like long enough to go through 4 of the 5 stages of grie#[evidently bc like. im posting this. i got close enough to 5 to throw in the towel ykwim]#but on 'oscar zymstarz emotional acknowledgement' time that is....... not long.#but yeah ig tldr like. still ace [thank god] just arospec [probably demiro? i hate trying to figure out my own labels] instead of Aro now#idk none of this is that deep but also like it kinda is unfortunately bc i have to actually talk abt it to be able to ignore it ykwim#but i did! we're done talking abt it now! and now i can act like i dont care and try to make jokes about it to speedrun the rest of it#anyway. Happy Pride everyone. Fukign kitty.#side message to jem. by no means does this mean im not still gonna bully you. its a sign of love but also it is you specific bullying 🫶#you are not safe#edit: this is karma for saying 'thank god'. might be demiace too. this is the worst month of my life /j
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tanicus-caesareth · 9 months ago
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guarana drama, damage control
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nav-i-nav · 11 months ago
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Guys I really hope you understand how much I love Omori. The character. He is the cutest little guy ever to me (he has and will kill again with no hesitation) (there is something amazing about characters who are childish/innocent but also act ruthlessly and even cruelly but it’s because is part of their nature) (he is not evil but his actions aren’t good either) (I love him)
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quirkle2 · 9 months ago
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I was wondering if there are any rare happy ritsu moments in ur zombie au since hes always miserable I think,, like is he always miserable or is he happy/not miserable and feeling kinda good sometimes?
VWHDGDGD NO YEAH OFC HE'S HAPPY SOMETIMES im just horrible and enjoy putting him through misery
ive never been able to get a genuine smile to look right on his face in my art style either i think thats part of it. as ive said his face is just built to be mildly uncomfortable and bothered and i lean into it sm it's starting to get kinda funny
but yes ritsu is happy plenty! i think, canonically, he just seems like the type of person to me that tends to turn lemonade back into lemons. he's easy to scare and his first reaction to things is often Dread and Anxiety. he dwells on the negatives a lot and seems to be a "hope for the best, expect the worst," kinda guy, but there's a section in this post abt shigeo always loving the little things in life, and ritsu steadily learns throughout the journey on how to do that and how healing it can rly be. even if he had to grow up too fast during this whole thing and learn things a kid should never have to, the journey also gave him some good insight and lessons in other places! ritsu is smart, he figures it all out
in terms of little things here n there he's the happiest lil guy on the planet when he finds one of his favorite foods—swings his legs while he sits and munches on a kitkat bar like he's got absolutely nothin in the world to worry abt. sometimes mob does smth funny that he laughs at; for the longest time i've had this silly image in my head of mob accidentally knocking down a bucket from a store shelf and it lands on his head and he just kinda stands there and makes noises.when the noises continue out of pure curiosity about the weird echoey quality it's giving them ritsu cannot help but lose it
besides tiny things tho, when tome comes around ritsu in general is a lot happier, just cuz he has somebody to talk to that will actually respond in some way. they're sorta reluctant partners in crime at first (at least on ritsu's end) but over time and over bonding they grow to rly like each other's presence. they bicker constantly but it's almost always fond eventually, and they shove each other and playfight until mob gets antsy enough to get worked up about it. rly, tome is a godsend to ritsu's mental health—after months and months of being effectively alone with his thoughts, he finally has another person to converse with. a person His Age, too!
tome is rly good at knowing when ritsu is thinkin himself into oblivion and she's Also rly good at being the most annoying girl on the planet to yank him outta that and replace any misery with Oh My God Get Off Me You Freak. she doesn't even do this on purpose at first, but over time she learns how to tell when he's thinking too hard and, ofc, she's grown attached and she cares, so she's as obnoxious as possible to lighten the mood
when they find reigen n teru, ritsu gradually gets Much happier still. now that he knows they're safe and the gang is finally back together (and now that there's an Adult present and he can relax a lil and let himself be taken care of) his stress levels r exponentially lowered. having teru back is another instant lift to his mood—im always a big fan of teru and ritsu friendship, and i think adding tome to their dynamic simply makes it more chaotic. truly a trio of the 3 most normal teenagers in existence which will surely bring nothing but good (reigen sweats offscreen)
actually this makes me feel bad for forever torturing him im gonna go draw happy zau ritsus brb ,.,.ok imback <3
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#qktalks#anon#zombie au#tw guns#<- for that glock in the corner . sorry#actually it looks like he's at gunpoint in that one and just going teehee about it#he looooooves tormenting tome .and tome loves tormenting him. it's their favorite pastimes#i don't rly like the second one too much tbh the sleeves are weird but i think that's just the Nature of how poofy they can get#oh this is a great time to talk abt their dynamic. sorry.this ask isn't abt that.but now it is#so i realize that tome and ritsu ??? don't rly interact in canon at all. and neither do tome and teru . as a matter of fact#but consider. uhm.what ifthey did <3 GVYIEAV#like i said they're all So incredibly normal it'll make for a great time#^ genuinely i do think so actually. most of the time anyway#i touched on it a lil bit in recondite but i rly like the idea of mob ritsu tome and teru all being a friend group#teru would undoubtedly piss tome off sometimes she'd call him out on his bullshit#but like.in terms of the canon timeline i think post-mob teru would Totally listen to her#and take what she says abt How he is into consideration. he's trying to rebuild himself into somebody better#teru and ritsu already have a dynamic in canon but it feels pretty loose and it isn't fully explored at all#i think they work together rly well tho. there's no real evidence to the contrary iirc i think they work together in canon quite well#they think alike in terms of fighting#and in a setting like this‚ once teru is on the same page as ritsu on zombies‚ they're prolly a pretty damn good team#there's a lot of room for things to go wrong tho#if i had to sum it up rly succinctly it'd be: ritsu's motive is fear‚ tome's motive is curiosity‚ and teru's motive is power#what i mean by teru's being power is Not the pre-mob teru ''wanting'' to be powerful and unstoppable#i mean teru wants to have power over everything that is trying to hurt them#he doesn't Want to cower he wants to Fight tooth and nail#and i think ritsu's fear versus tome's curiosity and teru's drive of power conflicts a lot#ritsu is passive in the sense that he'll do anything in his power to avoid altercations with anything to order to keep mob safe#he isn't Active until something goes Wrong. and usually things go Wrong when teru and tome rush ahead#WOW sorry i went on a rant that was Completely unrelated to the fucking question. im at the 30 tag limit bye
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seventh-district · 10 days ago
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it's always something. PLEASE can i just go One single day without there being Something
#vent post#cw injury mention#cw shooting mention#don't know why i keep getting involved in these political debates with an old ignorant drunkard. i'd be better off talking to a brick wall#i say 'talking' as if he ever lets me get a word in edgewise. he just wants a Nice Quiet Woman to complain to. not a real conversation.#can't believe i spent 2hrs last night trying to explain basic facts about the universe and evolution when he probably remembered none of it#not to quote Dr. Ratio in a vent post but. the most annoying thing about idiocy Truly is that you can't explain it to an idiot#'i am a STRAIGHT MAN 😡😡😡 how do you expect me to give you a QUEER answer???' bro all i did was ask why u don't like gay ppl.. chill...#'well in BibLIcaL tiMeS-' man u just ranted abt how ur atheist & don't believe in the bible. u can't turn around and use it in an argument#so we somehow went from fictional stories to The Gays to religion to outer space to the birth of the universe to evolution to currency#and when he started in on China & covid i simply had to walk away. i can't listen to any more of his regurgitated propaganda conspiracies#oh and how can i forget the tangent he went off on about his beloved guns after the Antioch shooting yesterday! that took 30mins at least#i did read the kid's manifesto and lowkey wish i hadn't because Jesus Fucking Christ i'm so worried about the state of children online#i really do love the internet and the countless good things it has brought into the world and into my own life#but i didn't have access to it until i was.. 11 i think? and the internet was a Very different place in 2011 than it is in the 2020s#worst i did was watch clickbait YT videos about mermaids being real. now 9 year-olds are getting radicalized on Twitch???#idk i'm so 'old' and out of the loop now. i barely recognized like half of those words he used. but god i'm worried sick for the kids.#anyways. all last night's 'debate' accomplished was me getting told that my fiction writing doesn't do anything good for the world#and got reminded that being gay is a mental illness. :) and that he doesn't trust in science. or anything logical for that matter#he's just gonna keep saying the same bullshit he was raised to believe without a single critical thought as to whether it was correct#i'm done trying to find common ground with someone like that. waste of my precious time. i could be playing a video game lmao#anyways later that evening i accidentally sustained some burns to my left hand. and i am totally fine. but i was too tired to clean & wrap-#-it up before i fell asleep. so i woke up hours later panicked from a nightmare with my hand fucking throbbing and my mom standing over me#in her own little panic because she didn't check her fucking pants pockets and accidentally washed her flip phone and it was. well. soaked.#so i got to spend all morning taking it apart in hopes of salvaging it so i don't have to hassle with moving her number to a new one!!!#then poured hydrogen peroxide all over my burned hand Knowing it wasn't the best idea but i. did it anyways bc my hubris cannot be stopped#and holy shit that didn't feel good! had to keep reminding myself to breathe or i was gonna pass out lmao that shit made my joints hurt#how does a skin wound ache all the way down to the bone. anyways. it's wrapped now and i'm Alllll better :) no mental illness in This body#anyways thanks to that i got out of making dinner and doing the dishes! and i got a burger and fries and am dipping them in ice cream#the fries not the burger im not that unhinged. anyways now im gonna boot up Genshin and try to turn my tired little brain off for the night
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hirookouji · 19 days ago
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Obsessed with your reaction to the “trades”
HAHA do u have any strong feelings abt the "trades" too or is it just me? bc the "trades" lowkey make me so sad. like wdym the season after aomine gets traded from cavs to the timberwolves the cavs become number one in the east and the wolves start sucking (compared to their performance last season, where they were number one in the west)... like that's just so heartbreaking to me... at least we can imagine ant and aomine on a team together causing chaos
kuroko's trade makes me mad for a different reason, even tho dallas is performing better than the spurs (but no big difference from last season @ this time), they've separated kuroko and wemby!!! wemby doesnt need chris paul he can have kuroko. or fuck it he can have both of them! now the spurs r really a problem! but nooo now he's on the mavs... i'm sure its bc of the luka magic or kyries skills or whatever but i dont caaaare... i feel like kuroko fits the spurs so much better
also i think kuroko looks sooo much better in the spurs uniforms than any of the dallas uniforms! he doesnt need to be in blue all the time... the black and white suits him nicely! now aomine on the other hand... i Do think he looks better in the current wolves uniforms, but thats just because i hate the current cavs uniforms LMAO. i think the og knb x nba crossover made pretty good matches for the characters to their teams! whoever's in charge needs to free themselves from always matching hair color to the uniform color but alas... at least nobody else changed teams (from what i saw)
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good-beanswrites · 10 months ago
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hi hi ! i hope requests are open ? i wanted to request something with 05 - any trial ( but if in t2 , id lme it if it wasnt about 06 or 03s injuries if thats ok?) and with any prisoner just not 07 06 or 03 ... maybe more on the angsty side..? i hope this is ok aknskdnsñ
Ah thank you for the request!! Shidou my beloved... It makes sense, but it's still a shame how often he's paired with all the others, seeing as he has enough angst all on his own ;---; I placed this kind of between trials/beginning of the second -- Shidou's one interrogation question always made me think he was trying to quit smoking that trial, but I always wondered if he succeeded. TW for brief mention to his suicidal mindset.
Shidou remembered being the envy of his coworkers, always praised for such steady hands. The thought came to him bitterly while he cooked. His trembling fingers fumbled with the knife. He asked himself again why he’d decided to quit smoking.
It isn’t as if quitting now can save me.
But that’s what he was hoping for, wasn’t it? That one good decision after so many misguided ones could change his fate? That the path to atonement didn’t need to involve any more death?
He couldn’t count how many times he’d repeated the list of symptoms to patients, yet he found himself frustrated with each new consequence. The sleepless nights, the shakiness, the dizziness – even his cool temper was tested by the irritability of withdrawals. 
After snapping at Yuno for something harmless, he’d offered to take her place as cook for the night as way of apology. He assumed taking on her chore would help keep his mind off of things. He prepared a familiar meal, one with many fond memories attached. 
The task only succeeded in aggravating him further. 
Since removing his gloves, the sensation across his palms had driven him mad. Objects felt foreign between his bare fingers. The herbs weren’t cut as precisely as he liked. The vegetables didn’t cook correctly. He had to rush the timing. Things spilled and splattered more than usual.
Shidou swiped some hair away from his face, glowering down at the countertop. He may not be in his best shape, but surely he was better than this? As much as he tried to avoid it, a thought wouldn’t leave his mind.
I usually have another pair of hands helping me out.
Cooking continued in a heavy silence. Not even the simmering from the stovetop or the gentle clink of utensils could lift it. 
When everything had been added and stirred, Shidou dipped a spoon into the pan. He tested his creation.
Not quite right. I followed the recipe perfectly. What’s missing…?
He went back to the scattered ingredients. A little of this went in the pan, a little more of that. He took another taste. Then another, a few minutes later. No matter how he adjusted the meal, the result was the same.
He grasped the edge of the counter, trying to curb his frustration.
“Sh-Shidou?” 
Haruka peered his head into the kitchen.
“What are you doing in here?” He straightened. His voice came out with its usual coolness; if he wasn’t careful, people often mistook it for harshness. Seeing the way Haruka flinched, he tried to speak easier. “Is dinner late? My apologies, I must have lost track of the time.”
“It’s just, the others were, uh. You’ve been in here a long time, and… I’m s-sorry to bother you.” Then, a moment where he studied Shidou’s tense expression. “W-what’s wrong?”
It’s not like hers. It’ll never be like hers again.
“Nothing at all.” Shidou mustered up a smile for him. It wasn’t his fault the others had become impatient. And, it could hardly be called impatience – it was long past when dinner should be ready. “Go tell the others it will be ready momentarily.”
“O-oh. Okay.”
Shidou took a long breath. He had already lost so many pieces of her. He had nothing of any of them, in fact. There wasn’t anything he could hold close – no photographs, no possessions. He had no familiar rooms to sit in, or paths to walk along. Most mourners are haunted by a house full of reminders of their loved ones, but Shidou would have seen that as a luxury. Now, he couldn’t even have this.
Once he finished cooking, he made a plate for everyone but himself. He slipped out of the dining hall unnoticed. Everyone was too excited with his finished product to bother with him.
That’s nothing new…
The panopticon was quiet. His cell was quiet. With his gloves back on, the soft touch on the smoking room door barely made a sound. Shidou pulled a lighter from his pocket. 
He’d rid himself of all cigarettes when he first quit, but it had been easy enough to find a stray one tucked somewhere in his room. Maybe he’d left a few on purpose – something in his subconscious knew he’d break down eventually.
It took a few tries to get it to light in his clumsy hands. He couldn’t help listing off the reasons his hands could be trembling. Nicotine withdrawal, general hunger, bodily fatigue, emotional distress… it could go on. 
It was a relief to take a deep inhale. He felt his chest unwind a bit. His mind finally slowed. 
He shouldn’t let himself feel so relaxed. In a place as dangerous as this, one good decision may not save his fate, but one more misguided decision may seal it.
He’d never admit it out loud, but –
That thought is a relief, too.
#milgram#shidou kirisaki#haruka is there real quick lol :)#OMG I just looked back at my tag rant im so sorry asdfsdfsdf#thank you so much for the request!! (and your patience lol) this was really nice to write ;--;#i was planning on closing requests around that time but im really glad i kept it open for a bit longer -- i love writing shidou ;-;#i have a lot of thoughts about all the consequences/meanings to his smoking waah#of course theres the main focus of him doing something unhealthy/self-sabotaging and then giving it up in the name of helping others#but now he becomes a patient himself and must deal with all these physical ailments#and for someone as calm and collected as him i can imagine he would shock himself/the others if he had to deal with a shorter temper#and i didnt even get to it here but this decision also isolates him -- he specifically says its lonely without the smoking group#now it really is all work and no play#(following a very work-focused crime)#made myself sad thinking about how he has nothing to remember his family by...#if milgram did take them pretty soon after the murders he probably didnt even have time for a funeral or anything#he has absolutely no closure or comforting possessions#i love his cooking symbolism (and it fits nicely with mahirus thing with food and love as well) and it just breaks my heart that he and#his wife probably cooked/gardened together#i was tired of writing charactes who would never say what theyre really thinking out loud and said here are his thoughts anyway asfsdf#i also didnt go to deep into here but there are so many complexities with his desire to live at this point in canon too#as much as im emotional over him choosing to live in triage - thats not the type of thing you can just up and get over by making one choice#he has to fight to keep up that decision every single day and i think sometimes he slips back into old mindsets...#i feel like i dont post about him as much as my other faves but i do have so many shidou thoughts OUGHHGHHG#drabbles
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herebecritters · 11 months ago
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Y’all have no idea how much I love ancient history, prehistory and natural history like hhhhghhh
You also have no idea how much I loathe ancient alien theories and young earth creationist theories it’s the stupidest ass shit ever
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